Recently, I was watching a YouTube video about the nervous system during my lunch break. While quickly eating in my 30 short minutes, I realized that I was doing exactly the opposite of what the speaker in front of me was encouraging me to do. I slowed down, took a deep breath, and considered how we are often always on the go, racing toward the next thing. Sometimes, we move so quickly that what we are doing barely registers with meaning or intention. Instead, it simply gets added to the growing pile of things to get done.
I wonder how much of our lives is spent in this normalized autopilot.
With this, so many questions can come up. Specifically, do we find safety in this go-go-go, lightspeed autopilot? And if we truly felt safe, would we be here to begin with?
Safety is a unique and incredibly individualized concept. When I think of safety, I think of a warm and cozy fireplace, shelter, food, and rest. For others, it might mean knowing your children are doing well and going a whole day without a phone call from a teacher. For someone else, safety may mean the laundry is folded and the dishes are done. There is no right or wrong way to experience safety, but there is one thing we all have in common: we desire it in some form.
The word safe is defined as "free from harm or risk, secure from threat of danger, harm, or loss."
As a parent, guardian, caregiver, or partner, our relationship with safety can change in very specific ways. We may become more attuned to potential risks or signals of threat because we care deeply for the person we are looking after. The child you are fostering may be requiring more than you feel you can give. Perhaps the parent you have been caring for, sometimes at the expense of your own needs, is getting sicker. Maybe your partner is struggling with their mental health, and you feel too much like a burden to share what you are currently experiencing with them.
Our safety is an ongoing concern for both our bodies and minds. It is part of survival, and as partners, caregivers, and parents, we often find ourselves monitoring for safety not only for ourselves but also for others.
The beauty of our brains searching for safety is that, ultimately, it helps keep the ship sailing for both us and our loved ones. The question is: How can we continue identifying safety cues and anticipating potential risks while maintaining a present sense of safety? We want to stay in the moment. We deserve to have a slow lunch and more moments when we do not forget to breathe.
In our society and within our families, caregivers and guardians are often praised for their incredible ability to plan ahead, remember where everything is at all times, and anticipate the needs of others. We may hear the term "super parent" because juggling work, multiple schedules, meals, and everything in between is truly incredible. The hardest part is that it isn't something that can simply stop because, in many ways, it feels necessary for survival. This brings us to the challenge of maintaining a family or partnership system while also finding rest and filling our own cups. Unlike a stressful TV show, we cannot simply click a button and turn it off. So, where does that leave us?
First, I always like to mention that safety is not an overnight process, especially when you have spent years in this state. The great news is that our brains are flexible and capable of learning new patterns. The first step may be helping our brains and bodies become more aligned.
For example, imagine you are waiting in the car line. Your heart is pounding, your mind is racing through your endless to-do list, and you are already tired. Yet, in reality, you are sitting down.
How do we help our minds recognize that we are safe and allowed to slow down?
One practice I have personally found meaningful is a safety affirmation meditation by Amrit-Sadhana Boyd on Insight Timer, titled I Am Safe. I return to this practice as a reminder to slow down, reconnect with my body, and make space for feelings of safety. Sometimes, we need to hear something more than once before we can begin to take it in. Repeating these reminders can be a small way of practicing a different relationship with ourselves.
I may find myself sitting in the car or getting ready for bed and recognize that my mind and body are not feeling connected. In those moments, I will pause and say:
"I am safe" (3 times)
"I deserve to feel safe" (4 times)
"I am allowed to slow down" (5 times)
Sometimes, the first thing we can do is acknowledge what we are feeling and then communicate that to our brains.
Because we cannot model safety if we are not practicing it ourselves.
